I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
