This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
