Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
