We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
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so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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