Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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