I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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