She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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