I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
