This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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