so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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