So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
