I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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