Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
