I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
