Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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