where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
did you just send me my own nude
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
