i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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