I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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