Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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