I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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