There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
