I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
