Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You pole danced in your parka.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
