It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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