just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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