If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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