totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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