nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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