First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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