Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
