Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
