Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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