i already hear my dad disowning me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
