I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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