Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
