I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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