I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
