I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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