dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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