Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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