when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
