Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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