Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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