i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
