I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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