I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
