my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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