then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My vagina is officially offended.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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