I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
