My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
