you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
