I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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